Heart

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Added 2022-07-25 20:31:46 +0000 UTC

I love how selfies I’ve taken in my lovers bedrooms become time-capsules.

I love the familiarity, the snapshot of where I was and who I was at the time the camera clicked. Past selves. Past lives. Past places I would rest. Chapters through the lens.

This current chapter is feeling like a transition, a time to gather myself. The big changes these past few years are now becoming the new normal. The crisis is over and the now is a different kind of place. Life has slowed down a bit, given me time lately to feel it all.

On one hand I’m basking in this opportunity to spend time connecting with myself, healing wounds from my childhood, taking stock. I’m resting after so much chaos. That feels like a gift. On the other hand I’m wondering what’s next for me, where I’m headed.

Some mornings I wake still in panic mode, my parasympathetic system vigilant. I shush myself like an infant. I whisper out loud as my brain orients itself to the present time and place, “It’s okay, you’ve got this. It’s all going to be okay.” It takes time for the body to learn this lesson when safety and peace haven’t been the default.

I want my next chapter to be full of those feelings, security and peace. I want more love and more art and more beauty. No matter which bedroom I’m resting in.

Self-Portrait in Elly Smallwood’s bedroom with her cat Toothless, surrounded by paintings of us (2018)