Chapter 49: Birthday

Tomorrow is my birthday. August 5th.

I got out of bed and headed to the kitchen, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. The smell of coffee and toast led the way.

Charlie and Alan were already there—Charlie nursing a mug of coffee like it was the only thing keeping him alive, and Alan flipping through the newspaper like it was still 1995.

“Morning, almost-birthday boy,” Charlie said with a smirk. “The studio’s ready for you. All set to record?”

I nodded, grabbing a plate and helping myself to some breakfast.

After we finished eating, the three of us got into the car and drove to an actual recording studio in town. Charlie had booked it for the morning session—mics, sound panels, a proper control room, and even a guy named Dave who looked like he hadn’t blinked since 1998. It was oddly professional for something that started as a casual idea.

———

As we walked into the studio, Alan looked around, clearly still trying to wrap his head around it.

“Are you sure this is what you want for your birthday?” Alan asked, still not quite getting it.

“Come on, Alan, this is an easy one,” Charlie said, rolling his eyes. “Why are you trying to change his mind?”

I looked at both of them and shrugged. “Yeah, this is exactly what I want.”

Behind us was a red curtain, giving the space a theatrical vibe. My dad stood on my left, while Uncle Charlie was on my right. Both were wearing tuxedos with classic black bow ties. I, of course, had to be different—I was in a matching tuxedo but with a red bow tie that popped against the dark suit.

The cameraman gave us a thumbs-up. “We’re rolling.”

Charlie stepped up to the microphone and, without missing a beat, started: “Men men men men, manly men men men!”

Then my dad joined in with his deep, goofy tone: “Oo hoo hoo, hoo hoo, oo.”

Finally, I stepped forward and belted it out with them:

“Men men men men, manly men, oo hoo hoo, hoo hoo, oo.”

“Men men men men, manly men men men!” “hoo hoo” “Men men men men, manly men men men!”

and finished "haaa ah haaa."

We had to record it a few times, but finally, it turned out just the way I wanted. Perfect.

———

The morning of my actual birthday began with Uncle Charlie flipping pancakes while humming a tune that had no relation to the rhythm.

“Which sister is it again?” he asked, feigning ignorance, even though we both knew he was talking about the one he’d hooked up with at my dad’s wedding.

I raised an eyebrow. “Just try to behave. It’s my birthday, not a cabaret.”

Charlie grinned. “No promises. But I do have a surprise for you.”

I gave him another eyebrow raise before heading into the living room.

"Happy birthday!" Rose appeared next, handing me a neatly wrapped box.

"A magic set? Awesome," I said, doing my best to sound genuinely excited.

"How lovely," Evelyn chimed in. "Perhaps he'll grow up to be a carny."

Rose ignored her. "It includes 14 different illusions that will amaze and astound your friends. But, of course, your friends may be smarter than mine."

"Aren’t you staying with us?" I asked.

Rose shook her head. "I wish I could, but I gotta go to some clown's wedding. I’ll try and come back for cake, okay?"

I nodded and said "Thank you!"

"You’re welcome. Bye, Evelyn," Rose added.

"Bye-bye. Thank you so much," Evelyn said, her tone vaguely patronizing.

She sighed. "Poor soul. I’m sure she meant well. Now—open Grandmommy’s present."

I remembered Rose as being completely crazy. So far, she seemed different—just a little eccentric. Still, I should probably come up with a plan in case she ever goes full sitcom-crazy like in the show.

"Clothes?"

"Happy birthday," Evelyn said.

"It’s Calvin Klein," she added with a proud smile. "You’ll be a hit with the girls, trust me."

"Thank you, Gramma." This time, I really meant it.

The doorbell rang

That’s when Mom and her sister walked in.

“Hey, Aunt Liz,” I said, giving her a hug. “Nice dress!”

It was. Especially if she was a high-end escort. That said, it was undeniable—my aunt was beautiful.

“There’s my favorite nephew. Happy birthday, sweetie,” Liz said, oblivious to my judgment.

“Hey everybody,” Charlie said as he came from the kitchen.

“Uncle Charlie, look what Aunt Liz got me!” I held up the skateboard she’d given me, again, putting on my best excited voice.

“Awesome,” Uncle Charlie replied.

“I don’t suppose you thought to buy him a safety helmet,” Mom said.

“You ride with Aunt Liz, you take your chances. Right, Liz?” Charlie smirked.

Liz glanced Charlie up and down and turned to her sister. “This guy? Are you sure?”

I muffled my laugh.

The doorbell rang again.

This time, it actually surprised me. Tori showed up with her sister Trina—drama in high heels.

“Jake, happy birthday,” Tori said, giving me a big hug. Trina offered a quick “congrats,” but seemed more interested in the house.

“Hey, Tori. Nice to see you again.”

Uncle Charlie gave me a mischievous grin and murmured, “What do you think about your surprise?”

Then, like a perfectly timed sitcom moment, Sheldon and Missy showed up—clearly Judith’s doing.

“Happy birthday, Jake,” Missy said, giving me a hug. Then she looked to Tori standing next to me.

“Oh, boy,” I murmured.

Missy and Tori exchanged glances.

“What’s wrong with them?” Sheldon asked aloud, handing me a gift.

“You’re a hopeless idiot, C-3PO,” I muttered.

Sheldon frowned, outraged. “I have an IQ of 187. I’m a certified genius.”