A Beginner's Guide to Gold Digging: Chapter 20

A Beginner’s Guide to Coming Out Parties

Lily

“Rob, I’m home, Crispin’s here too and he… Uh… What’s going on? Why is everyone I know in our living room?” I said as Cris and I walked through my front door and found… Well, you get the idea. 

Rob, Rose, Kyle, Lisa, Rachel, Julia, and… Some other guy I’d never seen before was there. He was young, younger than me by the look of him. East Asian, with a slender frame and collar-length black hair that was silky-smooth and well-maintained. He wore a suit that emphasized his lean build, and he… Was really freaking pretty, holy shit. The rolled up sleeves and slutty little nose stud sent a pulse of heat down my spine and then back up again. 

I was still getting used to finding guys hot. I had no idea when I would get used to it, when it would stop feeling like an incredibly overwhelming if very pleasant surprise, but for now, I was just letting it take me. 

Crispin, for his part, noticed my jaw on the floor and pulled me close to his side. Good to his word, my honorable man was. 

Rob rushed over and hugged me tight without saying anything. “Oh thank God, you’re back!”

“Um… Yeah?” I said, attempting (unsuccessfully) to shimmy out of my brother’s grip. “I was only gone a few days. I told you I was going out of town with Cris.”

“Yeah, but you didn’t tell me where specifically. And you didn’t answer your phone the entire time.”

“And neither did you!” Julia said, pointing at an accusatory finger at Crispin. 

“Also, all your friends showed up today and refused to leave until we could find out what happened,” Rob said. “I’ve been having to host all freaking day! It’s awful!”

“Oh fuck off, we’re great company,” Lisa smirked, tossing her natural hair back. 

“Lisa, you are a delightful ray of light in a dark world. Everyone else here, however-”

“What are you trying to say?” Kyle said with a raised eyebrow. 

“You and Rachel ate all the food in my fridge!”

“We’ll pay you back,” Rachel said weakly. 

“That’s not the point!”

“No, it’s not,” I said, finally breaking free and putting down my bags as Cris and I made our way through this bizarre crowd of our friends and family (and whoever the pretty boy with the slutty nose stud and the rolled up sleeves was). We stood in front of the fireplace, hand in hand. Fuck it, they were all here. It made this a lot easier. Even if I was also fucking terrified, my accelerated heartbeat buzzing through my chest and down my arms. “The point is that Cris and I are fine, and that while we’re sorry about the multi-day radio silence, we were indisposed.”

“Doing what?” Rose asked. 

“I can probably suss out their location given sufficient time and resources,” the pretty boy with the slutty nose stud and the rolled up sleeves said. 

“That’s not necessary, Adam, but thank you,” Rose said. 

“Sorry, who are you?” Cris said. 

“Adam Kurosawa. I’m Mrs. Duggan’s new assistant,” Adam said with a sultry smirk. 

“Oh. Well, nice to meet you. I’m Cris,” my fiance said, offering up a handshake. 

“Yes,” Adam said, and did not get up or offer a hand. 

Well then. 

“Okay, so where were you two?” Julia said. 

I closed my eyes and drew in a deep breath. 

“We don’t have to do this now if you don’t want to,” Cris whispered into my ear, putting his arm around my shoulder and holding me close. There, right by his side, that was where I belonged. And that voice, trailing through my head and washing over my brain, was all I needed to work up the courage. I was with Cris now, and I was proud of it. I wanted my friends to know the truth. Besides, I knew it would help me acclimate faster. And hey, why waste a perfectly good coming out party when it’s dropped in your lap?

“Crispin took me to his beach house in Mashpee,” I started. “His father was upset with him because of something that happened on Fourth of July- I’d rather not get into the details- and Cris and I… Well, we had some personal matters to discuss, and it was better if we did so in private. Now, though… The long and short of it is that Cris and I are no longer fake-engaged.”

“Oh?” Lisa said. 

“We are for-real engaged!” I said over the panicked screams of my anxiety, putting my hand on his chest and smiling toothily as I wiggled my fingers to show off the diamond ring. “And I’m not a lesbian after all. I’m bi.”

I’d never understood the phrase ‘the silence was deafening’ until that exact moment. Because damn, that was some very loud quiet. 

“You’re serious?” Julia finally said, locking eyes with Cris. 

“Yeah,” Cris smiled and nodded. “We… Had some very frank conversations while we were on the Cape, and… We’re together now. We’re in love.”

“Caaalled it!” Rachel sang. 

“Babe, we all called it,” Lisa rolled her eyes. 

“Even I called it,” Kyle said, “And I’ve barely interacted with you two.”

“I only know them by reputation, but I was able to figure it out as well,” Adam said. 

“Okay, I’m getting my obligatory ‘I told you so’ in,” Rob rolled his eyes. “Now will you all please get out of my house?”

Notably, however… Rose was not amongst the choir of ‘I knew it’ variants. She was sitting on the couch next to Kyle, furrowing her brow and staring at the ring on my finger. 

“Rose,” Cris said nervously. “What’s-”

“Hey, uh, Julia, Lisa, would you mind coming with Lily and I to the grocery store?” Rose said. “We should really restock this fridge, and I think there’s some girl-talk that needs to be had.”

I furrowed my brow. “What do you-”

Rose marched up to me, put both hands on my shoulder, and looked me square in the eyes. “Lily. Please. We need a pow-wow.”

I looked to Cris. God, I hadn’t left his side in the past few days. Even being away from him for an hour felt like too much… Which, upon realizing, I nodded. “Okay. Yeah. I’ll help you pick out food. Rob, the girls and I are gonna restock the fridge.”

“I’ll pay for everything,” Rose said. 

“Ohhh, and maybe when you get back, Lisa and I can whip us up some grub!” Rachel said. “It could be a late Fourth of July party! You know, the right way, instead of the version y’all suffered through on Thursday.”

“That would actually be really fun,” I said, finally detaching myself from Cris. “But I don’t know if Rob-”

“Ugh, fine!” Rob groaned. “But I’m not doing shit! I’m not cooking, I’m not cleaning, nada. But I am inviting my girlfriend over!”

“You have a girlfriend?” I said. “Holy shit! How am I just finding out?!”

“We made it official while you were out of town,” Rob rolled his eyes. “It’s not just you who has a personal life, sis!”

“... Fair enough.”

“Now if you need me, I’ll be getting high on the roof!” Rob said as he stalked upstairs. “Fucking hell in a handbasket, it’s like the Mongols crossing two freaking uncrossable deserts, I swear…”

“Wait! I forgot to ask! Can Cris stay with us for a while?” I called after my brother.

“Yeah, okay,” Rob muttered. 

“I’ll talk to him while you’re gone,” Cris said. “He and I get along.”

“You got along before we were banging,” I pointed out. “Same rules might not apply.”

“... Shit,” Cris said. “I’ll… I’ll figure something out.”

“I’m sure he will,” Rose said, dragging me by the back of my dress towards the door. “Now come on.”

Once again, I found myself dragged towards a sea of feminine energy. This time, though? I knew I fit right in, and that felt really damn good. 

I blew Cris a kiss as I left through the door. “Miss you already!” I called after him.

“You too!”

“Oh dear God,” Lisa said under her breath. 

***

“So,” I said as we finished the short walk to the grocery store down the street from my house. “Are y’all mad at me?” 

“I wouldn’t say ‘mad,’” Rose said as we walked through the automatic doors and into the white-linoleum floors and harsh overhead lights of the store. The place was open, but barely anyone was there. How bizarre. 

“‘Concerned’ is probably a better way to put it,” Lisa said. 

“Uhhh… Why?” I said, reaching into my purse for a scrunchy and tying back my hair. The air conditioning was on full blast in this place and was sending my hair dancing about. Amongst other things I would need to get used to: having long hair. Wasn’t complaining though: the fact that I had this problem at all made me feel tingly with euphoria.

“Lily, you and Cris are engaged,” Julia said. 

“Yes. Why is that a bad thing?”

“It’s not inherently bad,” Rose said as she wheeled our shopping cart towards the seafood aisle. “Far from it. It’s just… Two months ago, you were getting into fist-fights with any guy who so much as looked at you flirty-like.”

“Yeah, and those assholes deserved it,” I narrowed my eyes and planted my fists on my hips. “Plus, I was projecting. Like, a lot. I’m pretty sure I’ve been down bad for Cris since the day we met. I was just drowning in cognitive dissonance until I finally admitted it.”

“Once again, this was two months ago,” Lisa pointed out. “And you were like, militantly gay before.”

“I thought I had to be,” I said, my heart sinking and familiar icy shame slashing me once again. “And I’m not sorry for admitting I’m bi. Just because I’m dating a guy now-”

“You’re engaged to a guy. Who you’ve known for two months,” Rose said. “Don’t you think that’s a little fast?”

We reached the seafood counter. It was open, but nobody was stationing it. Guess they were running a skeleton crew as the holiday weekend came to a close. I reached for a packet of salmon burgers and deposited them in Rose’s cart. “Didn’t you tell me that you and Kyle got engaged after only dating for three months?”

“Four months,” Rose corrected. 

“Two of which were long-distance,” I pointed out. 

“Yes, but this was all after eight years of rock-solid friendship and six years of us living together,” Rose said. “Me and my man were a very long time coming. Ask any of my sisters and they’ll tell you the same thing. Hell, ask Kyle’s mom and she’ll tell you that too.”

“Okay, fine, but… Lisa! You and Rachel got engaged while you were still in college,” I said, pointing at her. 

“Rachel proposed to me on graduation day,” Lisa returned as she deposited a packet of tuna burgers in the cart. “And we’d been dating since freshman year.”

My stomach sank. “Uh… Well… When you know, you know. And I know that I want to be with Cris.”

  “I get that,” Rose said. “Trust me, I really do-”

“Then why are you trying to talk me out of it!” I snapped. 

“I’m not!” Rose snapped back. “I’m just trying to make sure you’re thinking clearly. You’ve never been with a guy before. This is all new to you, and overwhelming, and confusing-”

“Oh, you did not just tell me I’m confused,” I glared. 

“That’s not what I… That’s not what I meant,” Rose sighed as we started towards the meat aisle. “I just meant that maybe you should try dating for a while before you jump straight to engagement? Just maybe?”

Crispin

I sat next to Rob on the roof of his and Lily’s house, inhaling a hit of weed before passing it to Kyle on my left. Rachel and Adam followed in quick succession. The warm buzz of inebriation overtook me as I looked out over Lily’s garden in the backyard. Void was asleep in his hutch, while the flowers and vegetables were back in bloom after Lily had spent June restoring them. Maybe I’d ask her about installing my own row, something to add to the crops. But what should I contribute? Hmmm…. 

“Look,” I said. “I appreciate what you guys are saying. I really do. But I also don’t think you entirely get it.”

“Then explain it to us, guy I just met,” Adam said. Lily had practically been drooling over him when she’d seen him. And she’d like it when I’d gotten possessive. It was a little weird to me how much she enjoyed all the things she’d used to complain about guys doing, but I tried to just take it in stride. And I suppose it was nice to know she liked lots of different types of guys, that I wasn’t just some kind of fluke or exception. 

The bong passed down the line back to me, and I handed it and the lighter to Rob. I was gonna need him to like me, considering everything I was putting him through. Crashing on his living room couch once a week was one thing. Living in his house indefinitely because I was engaged to his sister was another. 

As Rob lit the bong, I said, “I genuinely never thought I was gonna get to be with this girl. Ever. I had to tell myself over and over again that she was off-limits and always would be. Now, though? I feel like a fucking miracle has happened. The impossible is possible. I have her. She’s mine, and I’m hers. And I’m not letting her go. Not now, not ever.”

“What if she wants you to let go?” Rachel said. “Like, what if the honeymoon phase ends and she decides this is all too much? What if she gets cold feet and calls off the wedding the day of? What if, five years down the line, she decides that marrying you was a mistake because she never actually got to explore her bisexuality, she just glommed onto the first guy to give her the warm fuzzies because she didn’t know better?”

It was as if a rusty knife plunged into my chest and twisted around in the space between my heart and my lungs. “You, uh, really don’t hold anything back, do you Rachel?”

“No she does not,” Kyle laughed. 

“I… Okay, fair enough,” I said. “But what if none of that happens? What if Lily and I make it work? What if ten years from now we’re married and happy as can be and raising a flock of rabbits together?”

“Herd,” Rob said as he handed me the bong. “A group of bunnies is called a herd. You should know that if you wanna marry my sister.”

“Wait, Rob, you… Are you giving me advice?”

He shrugged while I took a hit. “I agree that this is all a fucking lot, and it’s happening way too fucking fast for my liking. But. I’ve known Lily since the day she was born. And as much as I hate to say this, I’ve never seen her as happy as she is when she’s with you. I’ve never seen her look as overjoyed as when you two were standing together in my living room, telling us the big news. So if you’re serious about this, then go for it. It’s not my life. And it’s not my decision.”

I finished my hit and passed the bong to Kyle. “Thanks, bro!”

“Don’t push it,” Rob said. “You’re not famiglia yet.”

“Fair enough,” I said. 

Kyle breathed out a gulp of weed-smoke. “Alright, look here, Cris. Cards on the table. I know Rose used to have a thing for you, so the, uh, primitive lizard-brain part of me is glad you’re spoken for because while I trust my fiance implicitly, one does occasionally get bouts of paranoia and the like. That said, from one guy who loves a trans woman to another: it’s not always easy. Rachel can back me up on this; hell, she’s probably more qualified to say it then I am. But the world is fucking cruel to women like ours. The government wants them dead. A decent chunk of the country- hell, a decent chunk of the world- thinks they’re mentally ill or perverts or mentally ill perverts. And some of that hate will find its way to you. Not as much as what they get. But you’re in the splash-zone, so to speak. The bigots aren’t gonna be any nicer to you. And, uh, no offense or anything, but a rich fuckboy like you probably hasn’t had to deal with all that… Ever.”

And another knife. This was turning into a lovely evening. Still, though… “That’s… Also a good point. But my point still stands: I’m not letting go. I don’t care what anyone else says, what the government or the country or the world says. If I have to fight for her, I’ll fight for her. I’m never letting her go. Not unless she pushes me away. And hell, even then… Unless she cheats on me, which I doubt she would, I want her to be in my life. Always.”

Lily

“Literally the only circumstance under which I would leave him is if he cheats on me,” I said as we loaded a packet of beef patties and a packet of bison burgers into the cart. God, it was creepy how deserted this place was. The sun hadn’t even started setting yet, but we were in a proverbial ghost-town. “And like, yeah, I know he’s been a serial manwhore for most of his life, but to me that’s just proof of how committed he is. He’s been with dozens of girls. He’s kind and interesting and beautiful and he actually listens when girls talk. If he’d wanted to get swept up in a whirlwind romance with anyone else, he would have by now. He can have anyone. But he wants me. He wants to marry me. And hell, you know how Catholic he is. Do you really see a guy like him marrying someone on a whim and then getting a divorce of convenience a year later? That’s not Cris. Not at all.”

“She raises a good point,” Julia said as she came back with a packet of buns and tossed them into the cart. “Even when we were kids he took the whole ‘marriage is sacred’ thing wicked seriously.”

Rose started pushing the cart towards the produce aisle. “I know, I know, I just… Has Cris told you about any of his ex girlfriends?”

“Not really, no,” I said. “He’s alluded to having been in a couple relationships, but nothing that went anywhere.”

“Because they didn’t,” Rose said. “They all happened in college, and they all followed a similar pattern: Cris fell hard and fast, but the girls wound up breaking it off because they realized he loved them more than they loved him.”

“Well then it’s a good thing I love him just as much as he loves me,” I said. 

“Awww,” Julia cooed.

“Don’t you start,” Rose groaned as we entered the produce aisle. “Lily, I’m not saying you don’t return his feelings. Obviously, you do. I’m guessing they have to be pretty strong to un-closet you. But, and this is just me being honest here: are you prepared for everything that’s gonna come with being with him? Are you prepared to deal with rich people bullshit forever? Are you prepared the first time he gets hit with bigotry for being with you?”

“Yes, and yes,” I said. “If that second one happens, I’ll fight anyone who says anything.”

“Are you prepared for other people, other women, assuming you’re straight?” Lisa said. “Are you prepared for other sapphic women to think you’re a sellout or a part-time queer because you’re with a guy? Are you prepared for your social media timeline to get inundated with biphobic discourse on the regular?”

I flinched. “That’s… That’s a thing?”

“Yes,” Julia said.

“Very much so,” Lisa shuddered. “Rachel and I… I was still half in my eggshell when we first got together, so when people saw us and I was in boy-mode… Well, they assumed things. And she genuinely lost a few friends because of how shitty they were about me. And when I started girl-moding full-time, they were all like ‘oh hey Rachel, here’s your gold star back.’ She wasn’t having it, but I could tell it stung.” 

“Oh. I… I didn’t know that,” I said, eyes downcast. “That’s awful. I’m sorry that she- that both you- went through that and… Wait, what’s going on here?”

The four of us looked at the produce aisle and found a uniformed employee fending off an emu with a nightstick. 

“Oh God, raptor puppies,” Rose groaned while pinching the bridge of her nose. 

“Where do these things keep coming from?!” Julia said. 

“Is this an ongoing concern? What the hell?” Lisa said. 

“I’m so lost,” I said. 

The grocery store employee, a young black man with braids tied back in a bun and a tall, stocky frame beneath his gray and purple uniform, turned back to us and said, “Run! Run!!!! These beasts are out of control!”

“What about all the food we have with us?” I called out. 

“Just gooooo!!!!”

***

“You gotta admit, though, this is a little fast,” Kyle said. 

“When you know, you know,” I shrugged. 

“And what is it, exactly, that you know?” 

I swallowed another gulp of weed-smoke and let the high float up another level. “I know that when I woke up today with Lily in my bed, I thought to myself ‘I want this, every day, until I die.’ I’ve never wanted a woman as badly as I want this one. Of all the women I’ve slept with and the handful I’ve properly dated, none of them made me feel this way. None of them have made me feel like… Like…”

“Like you’ll be okay no matter what the world throws at you?” Rachel offered. 

“Exactly!” I said. 

“Fuck, alright, I’m sold,” Rachel said. “Just try to remember that you didn’t convert her, yeah. She’s just bi. Always was.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Okay, but like… No offense or anything, but most guys start dating a girl who’s only dated girls before, it goes to their heads.”

“I’m not that guy,” I said, even as I recalled what Lily said earlier that day. About how I’d converted her, and she was clearly joking, clearly just taking the piss (as my faux-English dad was fond of saying), but… It was still a thunderclap of panic inside my skull. Guilt and shame and dread, like I’d done something unforgivable, like I had been That Guy in spite of everything I’d done not to be. 

It wasn’t true, though. Lily was just bi. Always was. Nothing… Nothing like what she’d joked about. It was just her teasing me like she always did… Even if most of the things she’d teased me about had turned out to have more basis in fact than I’d initially believed. 

I passed the bong to Kyle, then raked a hand through my hair. Okay, this was something that bothered me, I guess that meant I was supposed to… To talk about it? That was how relationships worked, right? Couples talked out their problems? 

A feminine voice called out from below: “You up there, Rob?”

Rob leaned over the edge of the roof and said, “Yeah, babe! Just, uh, having a smoke with my future brother-in-law.”

“Brother-in-law?” the woman said. I leaned over to get a better look at our new guest… And immediately got vertigo. Yup, time to go back inside. 

I climbed through the window, Rob and the others following close behind. 

“So, just to be clear,” Rob said, “You’re welcome to stay here for a while, but if you could also manage to not be here every single night I’d appreciate it a lot.”

“I can do that,” I said as we navigated through his messy messy bedroom and out into the second floor hallway. “We’ll probably spend weekends at my place on the Cape, so that’s at least two nights a week where you’ll have the place to yourself.”

“Also, keep the noise down when you’re here.”

“I… Uh…”

“I mean it. I do not need to hear you and my sister… You know.”

“I do, I do,” I said. “Message received. Boundary set. Uh, Kyle, do you mind if I crash with you and Rose every once and a while?”

“You can house-sit for us while we’re out of town, how’s that sound,” Kyle said, swaying from side to side as he walked. Goddamn, when he got high, he went up into the clouds.

“Uh… Sure. Yeah. That’s cool.”

“Oh, that sounds fun,” Rachel said. “We can all take turns making Lily and Cris house-sit when we go on vacation. We should tell Ruth and Nathan about this, see if they wanna get the lovely couple to babysit for them too.”

An image sparked in my brain, one of Lily holding a baby. Something, some mysterious, alien feeling, ached through me as I held it in my mind’s eye. She was looking down at a baby, swaddled in blankets, rocking the kid back and forth and singing to it. Fuck. Fucking fuck, no, no, bad brain, bad. Lily and I just got together, just got engaged, and we’d talked about this- neither of us were remotely ready to even consider the possibility of kids. And nausea percolated inside my stomach at the suggestion that I’d taken a confident, independent gay woman and… And corrupted her into becoming my… Shoved her into a stereotypical roll of… 

I was not That Guy. I shoved the thoughts way back deep into the recesses of my brain, and I was determined to keep them there. I hadn’t done anything wrong by being with Lily, but those kinds of thoughts… Well, they didn’t help anything. Anyone. 

We finished the climb downstairs, and Rob opened the door to let in his girlfriend. She was a short, full-figured black girl clad in jean shorts and a black tank-top with the word ‘sickos’ emblazoned in flaming letters across the chest. Her hair was long and braided with beads at the ends, and she had rings in her ears and her septum. She got up on the balls of her feet and kissed Rob on the cheek, smiling at him warmly. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Rob said as he led her into the house.

“You taste like weed.”

“There’s a reason for that, babe.”

“Figured as much,” she said. “Who are all these people?”

“Lily’s friends.”

“Had no idea she was such a social butterfly. Which one is the fiance?”

“That would be me,” I said, raising one hand and jamming the other into my pocket.

“So are you like her beard, or what?”

“No, no, she and I are in love,” I grimaced. 

“I thought she was gay.”

“Yes, she WAS,” Adam snickered. “Cris here converted her, though.”

“Goddammit, Adam,” I groaned. “No. No conversion happened. Lily just realized she’s been bi her whole life. That’s all.”

“Fair enough,” Rob’s girlfriend shrugged. “I’m Heather, by the way.”

“Nice to meet you,” I said. God, what was this weed? It was making me paranoid. 

“I thought my joke was funny,” Adam said while Rob led Heather into the living room. 

“Dude, I am gonna need less from you,” I said. 

“Nevah!” Adam proclaimed, fist-pumping. “I’m a whore for drama.”

“Fuck’s sake,” I said. “Look, I seriously need you not to say that.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s untrue. And it’s biphobic.”

“Well I’m bi, so I’m allowed to say it,” Adam said. 

“That… It… That’s not how it… Is that how it works?”

“Yes,” Adam winked at me. I couldn’t tell if he was mocking me or hitting on me. Or both. “You gotta problem with that?”

“No!” I said. 

“I don’t believe you!”

“Why not?”

“You’ve got that look about you.” 

“What look?”

“Just… That look.”

“Yeah, you do have that look about you, Winfield,” Kyle said, standing up and leaning in the doorway, mugging for some proverbial camera.

“I’m so confused right now,” I said, rubbing my forehead. 

“Well then perhaps words can’t settle this argument.”

“There’s no argument though,” I said, flinging my hands up into the air. “He’s just being obtuse and messing with me while I’m too stoned to articu… Arti… Articula-”

Kyle laughed. “Perhaps I can offer a solution.”

“Limbo?” I suggested. 

“Even better. A lift-off.”

Lily

“Everyone move your asses right the fuck now!” I screamed as the girls and I made our way down the street. My heels were in one hand and a grocery bag was in the other while a small flock of emu chased us down the sidewalk.

We approached my house, at which point I found my fiance, Rose’s fiance, Lisa’s wife, and that slutty twink Adam in the driveway attempting to lift filing cabinets above their heads. I nearly doubled over as I drank in the sight: Rachel was wearing a sports bra, while Kyle, Adam, and Cris were all shirtless. 

Holy fuck. Kyle was hot. I mean, I’d probably always known that, and I’d seen him shirtless before now, but holy mother of God, he had a superhero body! Rachel had taken off her shirt as well, only a sports’ bra doing the Lord’s work of preventing a display of public indecency, while Adam was sporting a six-pack and a modest mural of tattoos across his shoulders and chest. On his left shoulder was a bi pride flag (nice), on his right was a Japanese flag, while across his chest was a western dragon and an eastern dragon breathing fire at each other. Jesus fucking Christ, that… 

And Cris, Cris, my beloved, sweaty, muscular, pleasantly but not aggressively hairy Cris was holding an entire filing cabinet over his head. 

God, I nearly had a nose bleed. Was this what being bi was like? Being horny all the time for everyone? I couldn’t decide if that was awesome or distracting. 

“Uh… Uh…,” Rose stammered next to me. Better than I was doing- I was fully nonverbal with my jaw on the ground. 

“Damn, babe,” Lisa said, raking a hand through her hair.

“You’re a lucky woman, Lisa,” Julia said. 

“I’m aware.”

“What’s going on, exactly?” Rose asked. 

Cris put the filing cabinet down and wiped the sweat from his brow, glistening in the golden-red dawnlight. Holy shit. “Lift-off.”

“Why?” Rose asked.

“Your secretary and I needed to settle a disagreement.”

“I’m not her secretary!” Adam said. 

“Yes, because ‘customer service representative’ sounds so much better.”

That was when a harsh squawking erupted through the air behind us, and I remembered what we’d been running from. “Oh God, we have to get inside now.”

“Are those raptor-puppies!?” Kyle said, aghast. 

“Yes! Get inside! Lock the doors! Call animal control!”

We all hurried into the house and locked up behind us just as a half-dozen emu made their way to my driveway. 

“What is going on out there?” Rob said, standing up from his spot on the living room couch. A woman was with him, presumably his girlfriend. 

“Hi, I’m Heather, nice to finally meet you,” Heather said. 

“Same,” I said. “Also, we’re under siege by emus.”

“Is that a metaphor?”

“I wish it was a metaphor.”

“Okay, is everyone accounted for?” Rose asked as she started pointing fingers and mouthing numbers.

“I think so- wait. Wait! Where’s Void!?” I said, a jagged shovel digging a pit of anxiety in my stomach. 

“He’s in his hutch outside,” Cris said, instantly heading for the back door.

“Crispin, no, it’s not safe out there!” Lisa said as the emu started flocking around my house. 

“Don’t care,” Cris said, tearing open the backdoor and running for the rabbit-hutch. 

I darted out as well, close behind in spite of my shorter legs. We made it over to the mesh-wire hutch just as the raptor-puppies were upon us, Cris standing guard while I opened the lock and scooped up my black bunny. 

“Stay behind me, Lily,” he said, raising his fists towards the devil-bird as it opened its terrifying beak and lunged at my fiance. 

Cris punched it in the face.

It stumbled backwards. 

Another emu lunged towards us, only to be stopped by a sudden, leaping cylinder. Or two. Or… Three… Actually. No, four… Five… Holy shit, those were minks!

The emu were suddenly under siege by their own attackers, a company of minks launching a shockingly coordinated attack. Murder-noodles versus raptor puppies. 

Cris grabbed my wrists and pulled me past the bizarre display of animal violence, shepherding us inside. He punched one more emu on the way in, then slammed the back door shut behind me. He locked it for good measure, then put both his hands on my shoulders. 

“You okay?”

“Yeah,” I nodded, breathing steadily, unable to take my eyes off this courageous, beautiful man. “You… You didn’t have to do that.”

“Yeah I did,” he said, petting Void as the bunny tried to wriggle out of my hands. “You love Void. You call him your son, for crying out loud.”

“Well, at this point, I think it’s safe to say he’s our son,” I smiled. 

“Cool,” he said, making moon-eyes at me. 

“Oh dear God,” Rose muttered. 

Cris cocked (heh) his head backwards, and said, “I’m guessing my friends gave you the whole ‘this is happening way too fast’ speech?”

“Yeah. And the boys?”

“About the same,” he shrugged. 

“Let’s… Let’s talk about it later,” I said. “For now, we have company over. And I believe your father once said it’s the sacred duty of Winfields to entertain.”

“Oh, God,” Cris groaned. 

“Or rather, to ENTAHTAIN!”

“Have mercy,” he said as he skulked into the kitchen. 

“I’m practicing. Gotta get used to the rich people bullshit now,” I called after him. 

By the time he got to the kitchen, Lisa was prying Rachel away from the stove. “Babe. You’re way too high to cook.”

“So?”

“So you’re terrible at cooking while high. You burn water while high.”

“Waugh!”

“I’m pretty good at cooking while stoned,” Cris offered. 

“Cool. Grab an apron. We’ve got people to feed.”

And with that, burgers were on the menu. Salmon, tuna, turkey, bison, beef- every kind of burger imaginable. The aromas emanated off of cast iron skillets and filled the house while Rob got animal control on the horn to deal with our emu and mink problem. I put on a Mudhoney album, and sat down to get to know Heather. 

It was… It was good. It all felt good. Maybe Cris and I were rushing things, but… This, right now, spending a belated holiday with my family and friends and fiance… It felt good. It felt like me. 

Crispin

Four hours later, all of our houseguests had cleared out. Rob and Heather had retired for the evening, leaving Lily and I to clean up. We stood in the kitchen, her washing dishes while I dried them. The sativa-high had mostly faded, but not entirely. Animal control had taken care of the invasive species problem we were dealing with, Void was asleep on the living room couch, and I was here, just… Doing something very domestic with the woman I loved. In a house we now shared.

When we hadn’t even been really together a week ago. 

Huh.

“So,” I asked as I toweled off a plate and put it on the drying rack. “How are you doing? You know, with everything?”

“Uh… How do you mean?”

“You came out to your whole family today, angel.”

“Heh. Yeah, I guess I did. Honestly, I feel great. Lighter. Freer. Bubblier. It’s like… Like I thought I had to be this harder, harsher person than I actually am. Now I’m just… Me. And you helped me get there. Helps that I got engaged to this super hot guy today.”

“Oh yeah? What’s his name?”

“Mmm douchebag, I think.”

“Ha. And you don’t think you and douchebag are moving too fast?”

She sighed. “What did Rob say to you?”

“Nothing, actually. He’s shockingly onboard with all this. Kyle and Rachel and that guy Adam were the ones who were telling me to slow my roll.”

“And what did you say to them?”

“I said I’m not letting you go.”

“Good answer.”

“But… I also have to admit… Part of me is a little scared? Like, this is great. We’re great. I want us to work.”

“Okay. So what’s the problem?”

“So what if moving as fast we are messes things up?”

She crinkled her nose as she sponged a spatula. “Okay look. Rose and Julia and Lisa… I fought them on it every inch, but they also maybe raised some good points? Like, they were shipping us before, right?”

“Big time.”

“Figured. I’m guessing they expected us to try regular-dating before all this?”

“Probably,” I said as she handed me the spatula. 

“But like… We’re in love. I know it. I was so deep in the closet that the only thing that could have gotten me out of it is real, actual, True Love.”

“I agree.”

“At the same time… I nearly freaked out when I had to leave your side for an hour today,” she said, working on a plate now. “I feel like that’s maybe a sign?”

I sighed. “Yeah. Probably.”

“What do we do?”

“I have no idea,” I said with a hollow laugh. “Well, I have some idea. Rob did suggest that maybe I shouldn’t sleep here every night? I can crash with Rose and Kyle some nights, maybe at Julia’s place others?”

“That… Dammit, that’s probably smart. Just don’t go getting any funny ideas,” she said, jabbing a finger at me. 

“I won’t. Just as long as you don’t get any funny ideas about Adam.”

“Mmm. Adam.”

I groaned. Then I put down the dish towel and bit a hickey into Lily’s neck. 

“Gah!” she squealed. 

“Am I good to my word?” I said, kissing her cheek.

“Yes. Is it weird that I find it sexy when you’re territorial?”

“Maybe. But we can figure something out.”

“Cool,” she said, rubbing at the hickey forming on her skin. “Okay. Here’s where I’m at. We got engaged way too quickly, but we have extenuating circumstances. Can we agree on that?”

“Yes,” I said, sitting down at the kitchen table.

“I wanna stay engaged,” she said, walking over and settling into my lap. “I really do. Giving back that ring terrifies me because it feels like I’ll lose you if I do.”

“You’ll never lose me,” I said, rubbing her shoulders. 

“I know. But that doesn’t mean we don’t have to do the work.”

“Then let’s just… Let’s just take it one day at a time,” I offered. “For now, we’re gonna try living together. Maybe not full-time, but most of the time. We see how we do when we’re sharing quarters. That kinda thing. And if the ring is putting too much pressure on us to be perfect, then… We can talk about it. But for now… Know that I have every intention of wifing you up.”

She giggled and shimmed in my lap, then turned around to kiss me. “That works for me. Can I ask for one more favor, though?”

“Yeah, angel?”

“Can, uh, you wake me up with sex tomorrow? You know, before we have to go to work?”

I managed to stave off a flinch a second before it showed. She was really leaning into this. I didn’t exactly mind, but there was still this weird feeling I got… No, no don’t think about it. You’re lucky you have her, and you already said you’ll do anything to keep her. I mustered up my best smolder and said, “I think I’m up to the task.”

“Good,” she said, kissing me one more time before resting her head against my chest. 

We still had stuff to work out. I would need to talk to her about this sensation I got when she said things like that, when people acted like I’d converted her, when she acted like… You get the idea. But that could wait. For now, though, I could enjoy this moment. This evening. This pleasant picture of domesticity with the woman I loved, resting in my arms. 

I picked her up as I stood. 

“Where are we going?” she said as I carried her up the stairs. 

“Bed,” I smiled. “If we’re doing this, I may as well get my practice in now.”

“Cool,” she said, closing her eyes while I carried her further into her… Into our home.