Nothing But the Truth: Chapter 8

Author's Note: Hello! Happy Wednesday! Just wanted to mention that if you want to pick up my paranormal romance novella, "The Dancing Ghost", for a discounted rate, it's available as part of a trans fiction bundle on Itch!

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The Dancing Ghost by Helena Stacy

Hope you like it! It's a good fit for spooky season!

Now back to the show:

When You're Really Just In Pain

Caden

1 Year Ago

Rush night started off so well, until the time came for a bit of male bonding. Specifically in the form of wrestling matches on the back lawn of Big Dog’s brother’s house. Big Dog himself had come downstairs to announce that the winner of this impromptu drunken grappling session would be pushed to the top bracket of recruits for the frat. I was four drinks in and six months out of practice, so I doubted I would have much of an actual advantage. 

Regardless, Big Dog loomed over us, watching us strip down to our boxers and slather olive oil on our chests. He nodded approvingly as I was matched up with a guy named Fred who was twice my size. 

A scowl formed on his face as I pinned Fred in less than a minute. Evidently, even six months of rust and four shots of vodka still gave me an edge over my compatriots. 

As soon as I won the match, a drink was put in my hand, and Big Dog glared at me until it was all down my throat. My mind went cloudier, but I still pinned my next opponent.

And the next one. 

And the next one after that. 

My final opponent, a comically huge rugby player named Trent who seemed entirely too sober for the occasion, sneered at me from across the yard, screamed as he charged, clearly expecting to be the one who finally put me in my place. 

I had him in a full-nelson and crying uncle within five minutes. 

Big Dog said nothing, merely shook his head and glowered as he walked away. I heard one of his cronies mutter something about ‘jumped up redneck trash’ as the yard cleared out. The jet fuel I had for blood ignited, and I punched the ground and left a dibit in the yard. 

“Oughta watch that temper there, mister. Could get you in trouble one of these days,” a sultry voice spoke to me from across the lawn. 

I looked up to find a gorgeous platinum blonde in a black miniskirt and a gray tank-top sashaying up to me. Her lips were red and her smile was wide; her legs were long and her boobs were… I mean, holy shit, those jugs were massive. 

She sat down next to me, brushing aside some stray dirt while she undressed me with her eyes. “Hi there,” she drawled, Tennessee thick on her tongue as her brown eyes scanned me up and down. “I’m Deandra, but my friends call me Dixie. What’s your name, mister?”

“Caden,” I said, my own accent slipping out a tiny bit. 

“Oop, there it is. Thought I heard some south in you while you was throwing all them boys around. Where you from, mister?”

“West Virginia,” I said softly, sure this would scare her off. When you’re the state the rest of the south looks down on, you’ve got problems. 

“Pleasure to meet you. Always nice to meet someone from my neck of the woods.”

“Likewise,” I lied. I’d trained myself out of my accent years ago. It only came out now when I was drunk or exhausted or both. 

“Anyway, I was wondering if you’d like to come back to my dorm with me for a drink. I’ve got some good tequila hidden behind my dresser. Much better than the nasty stuff Big Dog has got here.”

“You… You know Big Dog?” I said, wincing internally. Was this a test?

“Well enough to know how to avoid him. And when.”

“So, most of the time?” I said. 

“That’s the idea. Now. You coming back to my room with me or not? I have a single.”

“I’m listening.”

“And that puts you miles ahead of most boys,” she said, standing up and dusting herself off before offering me a hand. “Now, you coming, mister?”

This felt like a bad idea, but bad ideas always seem less bad when you’re drunk.

I took her hand. 

I followed her back to her dorm. 

The night was long, and by the end of it, I was sore in all new ways. 

Now

“I don’t get why you’re so suspicious of her, Kira,” I said as my sister and I walked down the hallway of the grocery store together. 

“I don’t get why you’re not,” Kira rebutted. “You spilled your guts and she was just… Totally okay with it? Ready to jump straight into a relationship with you? Willing to do whatever she needs to make sure Randall doesn’t suspect anything? That’s awfully convenient.”

“I think you’re looking a gift-horse in the mouth,” I said as I put a loaf of whole wheat bread into our cart. 

“It’s not a gift for me, it’s a gift for you, and I’m worried you’re ignoring your instincts in favor of listening to your-”

“Please don’t say it,” I winced as we turned the corner of the bread aisle and rounded into the pasta aisle. 

“Okay, I won’t,” Kira said. “But I’m gonna think it. Very loudly.”

“Okay, look,” I said. “There did seem like there was something she wasn’t telling me. But she also just seemed nervous and shocked? Like a ‘I’m not sure what this means for us but I wanna try anyway’ sort of vibe.”

Kira sighed as she pulled a jar of marinara sauce from the shelf. “It’s entirely possible that’s what it is. But if I were in her position and I weren’t working some angle of my own, I would be a little less willing to sign up to the other person’s girlfriend.”

I waved my hand dismissively. “She’s not my girlfriend.”

“Then what is she?”

“I… I have no idea.”

“What does she say about that?”

“She hasn’t said anything either. We’re just… Seeing each other, I guess.”

Kira grabbed a sleeve of angel hair pasta and tossed it in the shopping cart as I pushed. We rounded another corner, heading for the dairy section to stock up on cheese. “And what about her looking through your phone?”

“That… Okay, yeah, that wasn’t great. But she said it was an accident.” Which was exactly what Mom used to say whenever she looked through Kira’s phone, come to think of it-

“Where have I heard that before?” Kira rolled her eyes. 

“These are all… These are all good points,” I conceded. 

“Look, I’m not saying that there’s no chance she returns your feelings. It’s probably more likely that she does than doesn’t.”

“You think so?” 

“It’s… Difficult to fake how she was looking at you last time she was over. Remember when I was in high school and my friend Seth agreed to be my fake boyfriend to throw Mom and Dad off my scent? And I brought him over for dinner one night and-”

“Oh God, yeah, that was painful to watch even as a six year old,” I shuddered as I reached for the fromagerie shelf and surveyed different options for parmesan. 

“Yeah. So I don’t think that was bullshit. Just… Keep your eyes opened, okay? I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“I know,” I said. And she was right to be scared, right to be paranoid. Neither of us had come from a background that gave us a high opinion of most people. But if there was even a chance that what Alicia and I had was genuine, I was not gonna let it go. It felt too damn good. With Dixie, there’d always been this sense of unease, apprehension. I’d never wanted to let my guard down with her, even if I ultimately did (and was punished accordingly by the universe). With Alicia, that just wasn’t a thing. I wanted to be myself around her. I wanted to let her in. And that scared the shit out of me, but still…,  “What do you think could even be her angle here, if she is working one?”

“She’s a journalist, right? Maybe it’s for an article.”

I decided on an option and tossed it in the cart. “Could be. There’s only one other possibility I can think of.”

“And what’s that?”

I grimaced. “Pretty sure the Trojan Horse was a gift horse.”

Kira blinked. “That… That would be diabolical.”

“And completely in character for Randall.” 

“Which do you think-”

“I don’t want it to be either of them,” I said firmly as we wheeled our cart towards check-out. “But you’re right. I need to be vigilant. Tell you what: I’m not gonna ask her to be my girlfriend until I’m sure. Until I’ve confirmed she’s not hiding anything from me. Does that sound reasonable?”

“Perfectly so,” she said as we got in line. “When are you seeing her next, anyway?”

“Friday. We both have our last midterm then, and we’re gonna meet afterwards. Probably gonna see a movie.”

“Gotcha. Well. You know the spiel at this point.”

“I do,” I nodded. “And I’ll be careful, I promise. I’ll never let my guard down again.”

No matter how much this girl made me want to.

Five Days Later

I drummed my fingers on my desk as I waited for the clock to run down. I’d already turned in my scantron and finished my essay, and while I doubt I did well, I would take ‘well enough to pass.’ Even if it was only by the skin of my teeth. I didn’t need to be great. Just good enough to… 

To…

Earn a living, I guess? Kira calling me out in the car last week had done a number on me. I still wanted to help bring in money for our family, especially since Kira and Aimee would be married before the year was out and it made vastly more sense for Aimee to move in with us than the other way around. You don’t let go of a house with a fully-paid mortgage in a nice-ass part of this city; that would be crazy. Still, I didn’t want Kira to have to support me my whole life, either. If anything, it would make the most sense for me to start saving up and look into getting my own place, let the newlyweds focus on building a life together. Our house was a two-bedroom place, and if they had kids… 

Oh shit, what if they had kids? What if I became an uncle? Maybe if they had kids I could start doing childcare for them? That could be a way to start giving back. And helping with the costs… No, no I was getting ahead of myself. I needed to focus on the here and now. My studies. My degree. My career. 

My… Relationship with Alicia. And my date tonight. 

The timer ran down, and we were all released in a steady stream of students anxious to enjoy the weekend after midterms. Hands in my pockets and backpack dangling from my shoulders, I exited the four-story stone building on the far end of campus and crossed the small platform bridge to the main hill. The sun was hidden behind plumes of fog, and dusk was only an hour off. I always hated this time of year, darkness creeping in earlier and earlier but before we fell back for daylight savings. So little light. I woke up and it was dark, I went to bed and it was dark. The world itself was wandering through this horrifying liminal space as the final grains of sand in the hourglass of the year trickled into the basin below. Time was always slipping away, good moments lost to the endless fires of horrible memories. 

In the end, the present was just kindling for the fire. 

My ears started ringing when I thought about that too much, so I shook my head and tried to stop. Best not to get too lost in my head, especially not when I had a hot date. 

Alicia’s midterm should have let out by now. She was in the next building over, a two-story cement rectangle that looked hideously out of place on campus with its brutalist aesthetic. I approached the lobby, entered the wooden doors, and saw… 

Dixie, leaning against the wall while Alicia cowered behind the stairwell at the back. 

My candle burned hot, like someone had tossed gasoline onto it. Alicia was terrified of Dixie after what she’d done at the party, and I couldn’t exactly blame her. And Dixie would absolutely tell Randall if she thought I was stepping out of line by… Treating Alicia like a person. How to play this? I needed to keep her away from Alicia, keep her from realizing she was there at all. Probably best just to ignore her. People like her were parasites, feeding on attention. Positive, negative, love, hate, irritation- it didn’t matter. So long as it wasn’t apathy or indifference, they- she- saw it as a good thing. 

She was looking at her phone, anyway, so there was a chance she wouldn’t notice me. I pulled out my own phone and slowly walked towards Alicia in her secret alcove, hoping that my age group’s decimated attention span would come in clutch… To no avail. 

Dixie reached over and grabbed me by the sleeve before I could even clear her line of sight. The candle became a fireball once more as my muscles tensed and my fist gathered and I angrily tore myself free of Dixie’s grasp. 

I snarled at her, putting away my phone and letting both fists show. 

“Hey, what the heck was that for?” Dixie said, having the audacity to look outraged. 

“You grabbed me,” I said simply. 

“So?”

“So I don’t like it when people do that without saying anything.”

“That’s a new development,” Dixie said, raising an eyebrow and smirking. “You used to let me touch you all the time, mister.”

“That was different. This is different.”

“How so? Because where I come from, most fellas don’t react so violently when a beautiful lady puts hands on them.”

“Where you- oh for crying out loud, Dixie!”

Her eyes narrowed. “I told you not to call me that anymore.”

“And I told you to stay away from me after you ruined my life.”

“You’re being emotional,” she spat.

“No, I’m being honest. You used me as a side-piece and then washed your hands of me.”

“Oh please, we were just having a bit of fun-”

“What is wrong with you?” I said, hoping Alicia hadn’t run off. I didn’t like the idea of her seeing me lose my temper, but I also needed her to know that I was on her side. 

“Absolutely nothing. I’m as perfect as they come. Just look at me. All woman, all natty.”

“Yes, because that’s absolutely your real hair,” I rolled my eyes. 

“Look, I don’t get what you’re still so upset about. Big Dog let you rush again, and it’s not like he’s still holding it against you-”

“He holds it against me every time I talk to him. He literally cannot get through a conversation without insulting me to my face.”

“That’s just him reminding you of your place,” Dixie said with a wave of her hand. “It’s not personal-”

“Uh-huh, sure it’s not.”

“Yes, obviously. Why did you repeat what I just said?”

I grunted. “So where exactly is my place, Dixie?”

“Stop-”

“Because you made it clear it’s not with you.”

“I don’t know what you want from me-”

“I wanted you to be with me,” I said flatly. “You get that, don’t you? I wanted you to leave him for me. That was my initial reaction when I found out you were Randall’s girlfriend. I thought, after everything that happened, maybe you would see that he was treating you like garbage and that I was the better offer. But hey, we all make stupid mistakes when we’re kids.”

“It was six months ago, Caden.”

“Yeah, and for me, it was the moment my childhood ended. So there you go.”

“You-”

“It doesn’t matter. I know my place now. And I’ll do whatever Randall asks of me. I’ll put up with whatever abuse he sees fit to subject me to as long as it gets me where I need to go. But I don’t owe you a damn thing. Not after you used me and threw me away like garbage.”

She gave an annoyed sigh, and said, “This is why it would never work, you know. Your constant whining. And the way you treat women-”

“Oh good, here we go.”

“And your damn emotions always getting the better of you. That’s not how men are supposed to act.”

I grinded my teeth together, doing everything I could to alleviate this pressure inside of me without exploding. “You’re right. I shouldn’t have all these stupid emotions. I don’t want them and I never have. And one day I’ll be free. But as long as you’re around me, that day ain’t today. So fuck off already.”

“Big Dog will hear about this,” she huffed. 

“That’s fine. It’s not like he listens to you. He doesn’t care about you.”

“And you do?”

“I did,” I whispered. And it was the truth. God help me, I really did at one point. “But like you said, that’s just my stupid emotions getting the better of me. Best if I go work on that.”

She looked about ready to start angry-crying. It was all fake though. Everything was for show with her. “I hope one day you learn your place. And it’s not just about listening to better men than you. It’s about how to treat a lady properly. Especially one above your station.”

And then I did the thing I knew would piss her off the most: I took out my phone and started scrolling, perfectly content to pretend she wasn’t there.

Finally, she stormed off, and I breathed a sigh of relief once the doors closed behind her. 

I rounded the corner, to find Alicia crying as well… But these were not angry tears. Not from the smile on her face. These were… These were happy tears. She leaped forward into my arms, sobbing into my chest while I hugged her tight. 

“Hey there, gorgeous,” I said softly. 

“Hi,” Alicia mumbled. “Thank you for doing that.”

“No prob,” I said. “I mean, I figured it was the least I could do.”

“Thank you anyway,” she said. “I know it… It’s probably not easy dealing with her after what she did to you. What she’s still doing to you.”

She got it. As much as I wanted to think this was too good to be true, another part of me told me that this was a person who understood the meaning of sacrifice, who knew what it was like to have to fight for every step forward in life. Of course she did- her battle was probably much harder than mine. And she had to do it all alone, and was still willing to take a risk on me. Even if she had an ulterior motive… Her fear a moment ago hadn’t looked fake, and neither did her relief when I got Dixie to leave without noticing her. Neither did her joy at being in my arms.

This woman was the real deal. My guard was still up, and I wasn’t ready to let it down for her. But I wanted her to see what was underneath it. Maybe if she saw the real me, she’d… Let me see the real her. I pressed a kiss to her forehead, then gripped her hand and put it over my heart. It was thunder at her touch, a furious bellowing only she could handle. “You feel that?”

“Yeah?”

“That’s yours. It’s all yours,” I said. Fucking hell, even if this girl was working an angle… Whatever it was, I wanted to help her. I wanted to be there for her. I wanted… I wanted to protect her. Perhaps that made me a macho idiot, but at the same time… You couldn’t fake what I was feeling right now. 

“I don’t know if… If I’m ready for it,” she whispered. 

I folded her fingers shut, then kissed her knuckles. “Then don’t take it just yet. It’ll be here when you’re ready. I just wanted you to know what it felt like. What you do to me.”

“Okay,” she said softly. 

“Come on, then, gorgeous. Let’s go to the movies. Want me to get Kira to do your makeup?” I said as I started pulling her towards the front door. 

“Yes please,” she said. “Hey, did you always have a southern accent?”

I blinked as we passed the threshold into the outdoors. “Heh. Guess it slipped out. It only happens when I lose control. Like when I’m really drunk, or… Or really angry.”

“It did start coming when you were talking to Dixie,” Alicia nodded. 

“Yeah. It’ll go away- I just need to get my bearings.”

“You don’t need to do that.”

“I do, I do, it’s embarrassing,” I said. “I guess I never told you this, but I’m originally from West Virginia. I trained myself out of it years ago, after I started living here with Kira, but sometimes it… Yeah.”

“I don’t think you should be embarrassed by it. It’s just you. And besides, it’s kinda…”

“Kinda what?”

“Okay, this part is a little embarrassing.”

“Alicia, c’mon.”

“It’s kinda sexy,” she said as we walked towards my house together. 

I gulped, expecting a cold pyre of shame to ignite. But it didn’t come. Instead what I felt was… Pride? Yeah. Pride, in who I was. Because she saw it and she liked it and… 

And…

And I let it out. I could do that around her. It worked for her. She needed to see me, so I could see her. I needed to let her hold my heart in her hand, so I could see what she’d do with it. “Well then, gorgeous, let’s get you all dolled up for a night on the town. You get me?”

She shimmied adorably as she clinged to my chest, smiling and giggling and blushing. Our steps synced up, and as the sun began to set, the darkness didn’t seem nearly as bad. She was in pain a lot of the time, but when she wasn’t, when she had someone in her corner, she shined with a light all her own. It was warm and bright, and it was more than enough for me.