Nothing But the Truth: Chapter 2

I Must Keep Working Now

Caden

8 Hours Earlier

After waking up as I often did (drenched in sweat, heart still thundering from the nightmares that tormented me in my sleeping hours), I decided I needed to do one of my factory resets. Something to stave off all these stupid emotions so I could get through today pretending to be a functional human being instead of a pathetic basket-case. I stripped naked and lumbered out of my room, past the Body-Snatchers poster signed by the director, past the Naruto and Bleach fanart Kira’s girlfriend Aimee had drawn for me as a graduation present, past the MCR vinyl Kira had gotten for me last Christmas, and went directly for the bathroom. 

I sat inside my tub, the shower running cold and dousing me as I held my hands together and breathed. Linkin Park blared on my phone while I meditated, breathing in and out, in and out, sitting with my emotions and then letting them go. I didn’t need them. They only got in the way. Made my life harder. Each breath, each bullet of frigid water, each note in the song, purged a little bit more of the horrible feelings I was cursed to deal with. When they were gone, all that would remain was cold, calculating logic, perfect rationality, and stoic strength. I felt nothing-

My phone dinged, and the speaker intoned ‘new message from Big Dog.’

Anger flared inside me, and I kept my eyes jammed shut. I breathed, trying to push away my wrath. Like a candle in the wind, extinguished by the breeze, leaving nothing but pure serenity-

‘New message from Big Dog.’

I grinded my teeth together as the candle relit. And then another candle and another candle and another candle until it may as well have been a fireplace. 

Don’t blow your stack, Caden, I chastised myself. You’re better than that. Better than him. He’s a means to an end, and you have every right to set boundaries. You don’t have to text him back until-

My phone started ringing, shifting from LP’s ‘Somewhere I Belong’  to the currently designated ringtone of Blink 182’s ‘First Date.’ I grunted, fists balling as I turned off the water and, to my immense dismay but utter lack of surprise, found that Big Dog was the one calling me. I drew one final deep breath, and then answered the phone. “Hi, how are you?”
“You never confirmed receipt of your assignment.” No hello. No social niceties. Just immediate reprimand, altered through that goofy-ass filter he used over his voice. Yeah, that tracked. 

“I didn’t think I needed to.”

“I shouldn’t need to explain something so basic,” Big Dog scoffed. “You’re not making a good case for yourself. Have you received your assignment or not?”

“I got the picture of the girl-”

“Female.”

“... Right. I got the picture of the female,” I said as nausea churned inside my stomach.

“You will make contact today.”

“Today? How the hell am I supposed to-”

“By doing something you’re clearly unaccustomed to: using your brain.”

The fireplace of anger was now a full-blown housefire. In through my nose, out through my mouth. “Right.”

“I will be monitoring your progress closely. Try not to fuck up for once.”

“Wait, what-”

“And if you don’t complete your assignment, I will complete it for you!”

“No-”

He hung up. 

I breathed in and out, in and out, in and out… With no success at calming the pyre inside me. It was a hot, strangulating feeling that pushed everything else away. I grinded my teeth and balled my fists, heartbeat somehow more unhinged than it had been when I first woke up. 

I sent my fist flying towards the bathroom wall, only to stop with an inch of air left between. In and out, in and out, in and out. 

I picked up my phone and dialed Kira, putting her on speaker. 

“Hey, lad!” Kira chirped. “Everything alright?”

I rubbed my eye furiously. “I almost punched the wall again.”

“Almost? So you didn’t actually do it this time?”

“Yes,” I sighed. 

“Dude! That’s progress. Great job.”

“I don’t think I deserve praise for this one, sis.”

“Oh fuck off, positive reinforcement works,” Kira said, and I laughed bitterly. “Now, what are you gonna do?”

“Punch the sandbag instead?”

“Good lad. Everything else okay?”

It wasn’t remotely okay, but she didn’t need to know that. “Hunky-dory.”
“That’s what I like to hear. Oh, and I’m spending the night at Aimee’s. You gonna be okay on your own?”

“Yeah, yeah I’ll be fine. Say hi to her for me.”

“Will do! See you tomorrow. Love you!”

“Love you too,” I said, clicking off on the phone. 

I raked my hands over my face, then went to get dressed. I walked into the garage and punched the heavy bag hanging on a chain until I was so exhausted I could barely think. My arms and shoulders felt like sacks of bricks, my core burning and my heartbeat audible inside my chest. But my mind was calm, and that was what mattered most. 

When I went back inside and checked my phone, I had another message from Big Dog, telling me that the ‘assignment’ went to the queer support group meetings in the student services center on Wednesday nights. 

I spent five minutes staring at the patch of bathroom wall I’d nearly punched before taking a shower getting ready for my day. All while wondering if I’d ever get to stop feeling guilty about more or less selling my soul. 

This would all be worth it. One day, I would have enough money to fix everything, and this would all be fucking worth it. 

That Evening

Big Dog sent me a text every hour on the hour reminding me of what I was supposed to do, reminding me that I was lucky they were even letting me rush after what I’d done last year, reminding me that this was my last chance to prove I could cut it with the best of them, warning me that he would make contact himself if I hadn’t by day’s end. But as the sun started to lower into the September sky and the doors to the student services center opened, as out walked a beautifully unkempt girl with big brown eyes and a curvy figure and a vibe of righteous indignation and effortless swagger about her, decked out in a sweet anime hoodie and jeans that implied (but didn’t brag) about her wide hips, a single thought emerged inside my mind: Oh no. She’s hot. 

Was I really about to do this? Was I seriously about to participate in deely fucked-up hazing ritual patterned after a 90s teen comedy, humiliating a girl who was, as far as I knew, completely innocent and also a member of a heavily persecuted minority group? 

My hands began to tremble. I didn’t wanna do this. I couldn’t do this. I shouldn’t do this. I should turn around, go home, do my homework, and try to figure out some way to pay off my unpayable debt. 

Then, from the corner of my eye, I noticed Big Dog was lurking behind a palm tree, glaring at me. 

And just like that, I found myself walking forward, approaching the gorgeous, angry girl. “Hi. So, we’ve never met, but I saw you just now, and I thought: that is the single most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen in my entire life.’ Please go out with me.”

The Following Morning

The nightmares were extra bad that night. Not because of my parents, the usual boogeymen in my sleeping hours, but because of Alicia. Guilt was a chainsaw hacking away at my insides, shame a cold flood washing away the remains. 

She was exactly my type. 

She didn’t even seem like she completely hated me, either. If anything, we’d had a genuinely fun time, enjoying each other’s company while eating good food and watching a film we both loved. 

And holy fuck, that kiss had been fucking magical. 

I felt like shit. 

It was a Thursday. I had one class, a three-hour slog starting at two in the afternoon. I had a two-hour shift at the campus coffee shop right before then, so I ought to start getting ready. Work out, shower, meditate, eat- the works. It was pointed out to me once by my high school girlfriend that I lived an overly-regimented life. I set my alarm clock to hit three different intervals, five minutes apart, so that I was woken up at the same time every day, dragged away from the night terrors by force. I arranged my class schedule and work schedule so that I always had time to go about my morning routine. The closest I got to variety was switching up the order in which I did things. 

I dragged myself out of bed. Today, I started with the heavy bag. I pictured Big Dog’s face as I plunged my fist into it, then I pictured my own, then I pictured my dad. After that, a cold shower and a meditation session, followed by a breakfast of chicken sausage and hashed browns with a granny smith apple on the side. With that all out of the way, I walked towards campus and into the coffee shop. 

It was a small place on the bottom floor of the cantina building, a low ceiling with overhead lights dug into alcoves complimenting the natural light coming in from the clear-glass front wall. It always smelled good here, like fresh drip-coffee and warm baked goods. I clocked in and situated myself behind the slate front desk, fastening a black cap onto my head and forcing a customer service smile onto my face. 

Nate Adams, my coworker, waved as he clocked in next to me. His long, straight black hair was tied back in a ponytail under his hat, bags under his brown eyes and audible groaning under his breath screaming ‘hangover.’

“Rough night?” I asked as we did our daily fist-bump. 

“Oh God, yeah,” he said. “Mind if I make myself some-”

I slid an iced cappuccino his way. “Already got you covered.”

“Oh dope. Thanks, dude.”

“So. What’s her name?”

“Which one? There were like five of them,” he chuckled, then winced, as if the sound of his own laughter hurt. He rubbed the red-brown skin of his temples and sighed. 

“Eat something. I’m begging you,” I said with my own empathetic wince. 

“Ugh, fine, DAD,” he rolled his eyes before reaching into the glass display case and pulling out a lemon poppyseed muffin and taking a massive bite. 

“Think you’re gonna see her again? Or her, or her, or-”

“I think it’s up to them, as a group, if they wanna try something that ambitious a second time,” Nate said between mouthfuls. 

“Wait, so you seriously had a-”

“Menage a six,” he said in a corny French accent.

“Holy shit!”

“Sorority girls, man,” Nate grinned. “Ain’t nothing like ‘em.”

“How was it?”

“A gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell.”

“You’re a gentleman, are you?” I rolled my eyes. 

“I mean, hey, you would know, wouldn’t you? Dickhead,” Alicia’s voice cut through all the noise in the place, from the terrible ska music playing on the speakers to the chatter amidst the coffee shop patrons. 

My eyes shot wide-opened as my gaze was directed away from my work-buddy and towards the woman standing on the other side of the register. I blinked rapidly, taking in the sight of her wearing a white blouse and a tan skirt that emphasized her curves and wrapped tightly around her boobs. No makeup or jewelry, because I guess that wasn’t her vibe, but still, this was… Damn! What she’d been wearing yesterday had implied this kind of figure, but seeing it on display like this was… DAMN. 

Nate elbowed me in the ribs. 

“I might… I might say that, yeah,” I said. 

Alicia smiled. “Glad to hear it. I swear, I’ve been here a million times but had no idea you worked here-”

“My shifts tend to be pretty short,” I said hurriedly. “Like, two or three hours every day.”

“Makes sense, makes sense.”

“Can I get you something? On the house, maybe?”

Nate took a step back and I swear I heard him chuckling again. And then groaning again.

“You sure that’s okay?” Alicia raised an eyebrow. 

“I’ll pay,” I said. “Use my employee discount-”

“Caden, that’s not necessary.”

“But I… I just…”

“If you really wanna do something nice for me, though…”

“Anything,” I said, and then immediately wondered why I was like this.

“Invite me over for dinner again tonight.”

“‘Invite over?’” Nate muttered in disbelief. “‘Again?’”

I wanted to say ‘no, let me take you somewhere instead,’ but then I remembered that I was poor, didn’t own a car, and had Big Dog tailing me still. He’d even followed us into the cantina last night. It was why I’d been so relieved when she agreed to eat at my place instead. 

Maybe this was a good idea. Besides, if… If I was doing this, and I wanted to at least shield her from the worst of it, maybe… Maybe keeping things at home would help. And I couldn’t deny there was a certain appeal to having her all to myself and oh dear God what is wrong with me?

“Sure!” I said. 

“Cool. Want me to bring anything?” Alicia smiled, and damn, that smile, those eyes… 

“Just your beautiful self,” I said. 

And she hesitated. She drew a sharp breath that… I think it was a gasp. I made her gasp. Holy shit. I’d made a girl gasp! First time for everything, I guess. Was she into me? She might’ve actually been into me; I mean, why else would she want to come over again?

Unless it was for free food. 

It was probably the free food. 

“Gonna be a little tough to do that with all this,” Alicia said, gesturing down at herself. 

My heart slammed into my ribs, the calming effect of the morning’s meditation and workout instantly shattered. “Don’t do that,” I growled. 

She flinched. “Um-”

“I mean it. Don’t talk about yourself like that.”

“I mean, I’m just being honest-”

“If you’re being honest, you’d be…”

“I’d be what?”

“Yeah, Caden, what would she be?” Nate snickered. 

A spark of irritation lit the kindling of my disbelief that I even needed to say this out loud. But apparently it needed to be said. “You’d be bragging about how hot you are.”

Her jaw dropped, eyes going even wider than before, and I swear a bit of redness manifested on her cheeks. She smiled again, tucking a strand of black hair behind her ears. Finally, a giggle trickled out of her mouth. “You’re very sweet.”

“I… I try,” I gulped. “What time?”

“I’m done with classes by six. Is seven okay?”

“Perfect,” I said. Just us, away from all the bullshit around how we’d met… Almost felt too good to be true. It definitely was. It always was. The other shoe would drop. Inevitably. But I could at least enjoy this part of the ride while it lasted. “So. For now, what can I get for you?”

“I uh… I completely forgot what I came in here for,” she said coyly, twirling her hair. God, she was so cute, like what the fuck? Did she even realize she was doing that?

I laughed. “Okay. Uh… How about a vanilla cold brew? It’s usually a crowd pleaser.”

“That sounds like a good place to start.”

“Cool,” I said, ringing her up on the register. “I’ll get that for you right now.”

“Thank you,” she said, and before I could turn around to get the drink ready, she grabbed my lapel again and kissed me and fucking shit my mind tuned out the ska music and replaced it with a rising swell of ‘California Stars’ and conjured an image of a spotlight shining on us.

Unfortunately, it was not the only thing that rose in that moment. I awkwardly tucked my boner upwards before pouring the drink and handing it to Alicia, and her fingers traced my hand before she took the plastic cup. 

“See you tonight. Dickhead,” she said with a wink. 

And yes, I did watch her ass and hips sway back and forth as she sauntered away, why do you ask? Maybe this was a bit piggish, but you don’t not look at a work of art. 

Before I could re-situate myself, Nate draped his arm around me and shook me. “Bro.”

“Bro?”

“Bro!” Nate gave me the thumbs-up. “You got play all the sudden! The fuck happened? You get bit by a radioactive himbo?”
“I, uh… We met last night.”

“And went back to your place?”

“Yeah, but nothing happened. Well, okay, we did make out a little, but other than that-”

“My dude! Get it!” he said, clapping me on the back. “‘Bout time, old man.”

“Aren’t you a year older than me?” I squinted. 

“Yeah, but you’ve got the personality of a bitter old man.”

“Fuck you, no I don’t!”

“Okay, fine, a bitter teenage boy. Is that better?”

“I’ll… I’ll be twenty in a week.”

“Yes, and one day you’ll even be old enough to drink,” he said with a head-pat. 

“Douche,” I glared. 

“Bitch.”

We stared at each other, and I broke first and smiled. “She’s so hot. Like, what the hell? How is she so hot?!”

“She thicc, my guy. She thicc.”

“I noticed. I, uh… I have a bit of proclivity for that, I guess.”

“Man of culture. You love to see it.”

We fist-bumped again, and I shot off a text to Kira. Needed to know whether or not we’d have the house to ourselves. Not that anything was gonna happen: even putting aside the dubious ethics of sleeping with a girl I’d met under these… Unorthodox circumstances, that odds she’d want to fuck me were not high. It was mostly just that I wasn’t ready for this part of my life to intersect with the woman who’d raised me and knew how to guilt-trip me better than anyone else on the planet.

Me: You home tonight?”

Kira: Yeah. Working late tho. Dunno when I’ll be back.

Me: cool if I have a friend over?

Kira: yes, just no strippers without me.

Me: gross.

Kira: no u

Me: lol. Luv u

Kira: luv u 2.

And just like that, we were a-go.

That Evening

I paced up and down the hallway, smoothing my blue button down, raking a hand through my hair and over my face. I should’ve shaved. Why hadn’t I shaved? Dumbass. 

I wandered past the hall closet, where my old camera was stored. I hadn’t used it in… God, I didn’t remember the last time I’d taken a proper photo of anything. I’d put that part of myself away when I’d realized how much money I’d truly need to accomplish my goals. Maybe one day, when I had a bit more wiggle room, I could give my old hobby a try. And maybe one day, after I’d finished pawning my soul for every last cent it was worth, I could explain all this to Alicia and be able to sleep at night. 

Only time would tell. 

The doorbell rang. I rushed over to it, pulling it open with a big, stupid smile on my face.

Alicia stood on the other side, wearing a plaid miniskirt and a low-cut black top. Legs, boobs, hips, all on display in the fading light of dusk. She wore makeup, and it… It was… Look, when your sister is a professional makeup artist, you learn about these things. It wasn’t… It was a bit much. But also, I’d have to be a complete dick to point it out, so I opted to keep my mouth shut. And besides, it would take a lot more than a thick paint job to make that face hard to look at. Those lips were just… 

“See something you like?” she asked. 

“God, yes!”

“Well then why not come take it?”

“Is that an invitation?”

“Try something and find out.”

This was wrong. I was a bad person for doing this. The only thing I had to console myself with was whatever I did was the lesser of two evils compared to what Big Dog would put this girl through. 

Maybe I ought to at least make it good for her for the time being. 

I cupped her cheeks between my hands, tilted her head towards me, felt the heat of her skin and the weight of her mind between my palms. I moved closer, and she did the same, parting her legs around my hips. 

She looked into my eyes with those big brown pools of hers. She smelled like cherry blossoms, and I needed to know if she tasted as sweet. I brought my mouth to hers, and damn, she was delicious. Sweet and tender and gentle, but also determined and hungry in her own right. I wanted more, more, more, and maybe… Maybe she did too. 

This wasn’t normal. This wasn’t right. There was no way it was real, both because of what I was doing and the fact that it was me and nobody would want all the baggage I came with. But right then and there, it felt real. It felt right. And I wanted more of it. 

A new voice entered the soundscape, pulling me from the lustful stupor and shoving me into the cold darkness of reality once more: “Well well well, what do we have here?”